Regular readers may recall that there aren’t as many poems I can recite by heart all the way through as I wish there were. Not for me the rigours of, say, the collected works of Robert Frost, or Gunga Din: I can say precisely one line of that one, and I owe that to my cousin Paul, back when he was 11. He did so used to like bursting into a room, or maybe jumping off the back of the couch into a group of people, shouting: “You’re a better man than I am, Gunga Din!”
One thing I can recite by heart, however, is this little ditty by Dorothy Parker, which never fails to cheer me up:
I love to drink a martini; two at the very most.
Three and I’m under the table; four and I’m under the host.
See? Utterly charming. Well, with this in mind, imagine my surprise and joy when I discovered that our sharp-tongued friend had managed to out-drink none other than Orson Welles, in the Clash of the Tightest drinking championship run by Modern Drunkard* magazine!** Yes. She is later beaten by the 22-year-old Ernest Hemingway (using unfair advantage; he’d adopted a more mature, heavyweight persona to knock out Edgar Allen “Ravin’” Poe in the first bout). Commentary is by legendary transatlantic team Howard Cosell and Laurence Olivier.
Many thanks to Eddie Campbell, the cartoonist whose blog I lifted the link from, and of course to Modern Drunkard for running the drink-off in the first place.
“Bout 2
Dorothy “The Algonquin Assassin” Parker
Vs.
Orson “Wine Time” Welles
(Odds: 8 to 1 in favor of Welles)
Tale of the Tab
Parker
The martini-slinger from Manhattan may not possess the sheer physical capacity of her male counterparts, but she more than makes up for it with a cutting wit that has thrown much larger opponents off balance and under the table. She claims she doesn’t know what the underside of the Algonquin Round Table looks like, and that’s saying something considering she’s sparred there with the likes of Hemingway and Faulkner. She has no problem holding her liquor, if not her tongue.
Welles
With Gleason’s girth and Winston’s wit, Welles is the complete package and a formidable opponent. He does have a reputation of being a bit of a snob, however, sometimes balking at less refined hooches.
The Build Up
Welles may prefer finer wines, but he can knock down high-octane sherrys and ports like no one else. Expect the scrappy Parker to attack her larger opponent’s rarified tastes with rough-and-tumble Prohibition-era concoctions and vile vintages, then go for the kill with a flurry of martinis. That is, if she can last that long.
Welles wins the toss, but defers to the lady.
Round One
Parker orders dry Beefeater Gin martinis
LO: Very gentlemanly of Welles to let Miss Parker order first.
HC: Gentlemanly or overconfident? Unsurpisingly, Parker gets right to the point with high-powered gin stems.
LO: Her choice of brands is unexpected—she has trained extensively with bathtub gins and I expected her to test his palate early. Orson doesn’t mind a dry martini and seems pleased with her choice.
HC: She might not be so genteel next time.
Round Two
Welles orders two flutes of 1937 Dom Perignon champagne
HC: Looks like Orson isn’t eager to mix it up either. “Just because we’re on opposite sides of the table doesn’t mean we can’t be civilized,” he quips. “Civilized is a word men use when they forget to bring their sword,” Parker whipcracks back.
LO: They’re merely sparring, feeling each other out, which plays directly into Orson’s hands. Look for him to try to drag it out as long as possible, knowing his vastly superior weight will allow him to outlast his svelte challenger.
HC: I agree, Larry. She’s going to have to come out swinging with her bootleg arsenal and hope to land a lucky vomit torpedo if she intends to sink this battleship.
Round Three
Parker orders Extra Heavy Malaga Manishevitz wine
LO: The niceties dispensed with, Dorothy takes a jab at Orson’s soft palate with a questionable table wine…”
And the pot-fight interview:
“Welles: “The greatest of men have a weakness. Mine happens to be good taste.”
Parker: “It was fun. I had never hunted whale before.
* I know! It’s so fun. I’ve already read their submission guidelines. I’m a little nonplussed, though, by their poetry page. Every poem on there is by a man, and all the names of the men go (First Name) one syllable and (Last Name) two syllables. My favourite one was Dirk Manley. Maybe time to do a Dot Parker.
** By the way, I’m reliably informed that my style is possibly, well, sometimes a little bit arch, and that if I were to want to try and write a little more seriously I’d have to drop my exclamation points. Can this be true?!? Srsly?!
